Thoughts on Motherhood

I thought that I was ready to be a mom. Of course, that turned out to be not true and I realize now that no one can really truly be ready for parenthood. 

Even though it was something that I wanted with all of my heart, it is so hard. Even though I had a pretty easy pregnancy, it was still harder than I thought it would be. I used to have a weird notion that stay-at-home moms had it so easy. They don't have to work, and get to have fun planning meals and work on their hobbies all day. They get to cuddle babies all day and get together with their other mommy friends. Now, some days it sounds so much easier to go to work all day.

I thought that I knew how to take care of babies. I had a bunch of younger siblings, and I knew how to change diapers, to be careful of the soft spot, and to not shake the baby. I knew that you had to be careful until their umbilical cord fell off all the way. You had to burp them, and keep them warm, and that babies didn't let you sleep for the first few weeks. 

Although Lachlan wasn't colicky or sickly, he has yet to sleep 8 hours straight. I had no idea what prolonged periods of sleep deprivation can do to you. When it's your own baby, things are completely different. You can't just do a "good enough" babysitting job for your parents for a few hours. You want the best for your baby. Instead of just feeding your younger sibling the baby food that's already in the house, you have to worry what brand of baby food is best for your bebbe.

I didn't think about how much longer it was going to take me to get out of the house. How much stuff I had to pack in the diaper bag. How hard it would be to get Lachlan to learn to breastfeed, how hard it would be feel comfortable to learn to breastfeed in public. I didn't realize how much unwanted advice and criticism I would get. I didn't really know how it would be to take care of a teething baby. I didn't know how guilty I would feel when he fell off the bed. Or how much he would feed off my emotions; how freaky it would be to be dealing with a miniature of yourself.

I didn't realize how much guilt I would feel. How much I would second guess myself. How the second I get used to one of Lachlan's stages, he would change it up on me again. I feel so silly for telling myself "I'll never do what my friend does" or "I'm not going to be my mom"...and finding yourself doing the exact things you said you wouldn't. I'm still at a point where I can't quite imagine having another baby ever again. I tip my hat to people that have more than one baby.

I'm so grateful that I have supporting parents and parents-in-law. And that I have a Bear who helps me so much. I think everyone needs a big support system when they have a baby. Good thing that I know how worth it is to be a mom. Yes, being a parent is hard, but those times your baby looks into your eyes, laughs at you, or rubs his tired face into your shoulder...those times make it all worth it. Definitely worth it.