Thursday, April 07, 2011

It makes my heart full

This was in front of my dorm door last night. It made me really happy. They're from my RA, Katie. It made me feel guilty because I never do this kind of thing for other people in need. It really encouraged me to look for more people in need.

I'm feeling a lot better. The pain is going away. I was never in denial or angry. I just needed to cry. Which is what bear let me do. What would I do without his patience?

My family started the drive to Utah today. My parents asked me if I wanted them to buy a plane ticket for me. I really wanted to go. And I'm sure my professors would understand and I wouldn't be gone for very long. And it was a really hard decision. But I prayed and stressed and prayed and stressed and decided to stay at school. I'm still sad about it, but I need to listen to the Spirit, right? Gah my faith is being stretched right now. I want to be stronger. Bear supports my decision either way. I love him.

I don't want to sound super emo on this blog. But I really am on an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I'm super happy and at peace about it. Sometimes the littlest thing can make me cry. And want to sit around doing nothing but focus on my sadness.

I've had so many people saying that they've been thinking about me and praying for me. It makes my heart full.

When my mom called me yesterday to let me know that grandpa's blood pressure was at 40 and he was going to get a blessing of release that day, I was happy for him that he would be let go from his pain. But later that day I just started bawling during class. Ironically, it was just as my grandpa was dying, I just didn't know it then. I had a missed call right after class. I really think I have a spiritual connection with my grandpa. Our lives have always been interconnected in an interesting way. I love him.

Thanks to Bear, to Greta for taking me to the benefit concert, to Jena for working for me, and to Katie for the flowers.

I'm the type of person that cries really hard and then I've let it go and I'm okay. I will be okay. I will see him again. I just want to be with my family during this time. My grandma's wedding dress and the temple are so much more important to me all of the sudden.

But I'll be okay because I believe in eternity.

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