Roman’s Birth Story

Each of my babies has a unique birth story. Roman is no exception. He was my first home birth AND first pain med-free birth. I kept repeating the mantra that what was supposed to happen would happen but the control freak side of me had a hard time giving up control when I went into labor. 

With this pregnancy I had Braxton Hick contractions from 18 weeks onwards, especially when I would go on walks. At my 39 week appointment, I was dilated to a 2 and was pretty effaced but my midwife wasn’t able to strip my membranes. I got so hung up on delivering on or very close to my due date because Lachlan was born naturally on his due date and Penelope was induced on her due date. I was due 9/1, which was the Sunday of Labor Day weekend. My mom drove up after work and arrived late Friday night. She even took Tuesday off of work and real labor never started. 

I was extremely disappointed that nothing happened the whole time my mom was there. Well…as far as labor was concerned. My mom churned out a ton of freezer meals and Orson broke his arm in Labor Day. I had had so much false labor for weeks. It was getting exhausting, plus the pelvic pressure was killing me. I kept swinging between being SUPER irritable (and thinking it was a sign that labor was very close) and feeling very calm and happy for a couple of weeks. I never thought I’d make it to the prenatal checkup that was scheduled 4 days past my due date. 

But there I was at my midwives’ office on 9/5. By that time, I was so emotionally and physically done and spent 45 minutes crying in front of my midwife and talking it out with her made me I realize that I’d been repressing a lot of feelings but had tricked myself into thinking that I was being “calm”. I was advised to just keep living life until I went into labor but I was getting tired of figuring out what was for dinner another night, or wondering if I sent Bear and the kids to an activity that they wouldn’t get back in time for the birth. For some reason I thought I was going to have precipitous labor this time (under 3 hours).  

As it turns out, it was not a precipitous birth but it still went pretty quick. My mom came the next weekend. We went shopping Saturday morning and early afternoon, and I was finally talked into taking castor oil. My mom and I went and bought that and mixed it with orange juice. I drank 2 TBSP of the oil mixed with orange juice at 5:00 pm on Saturday while Bear took the kids to the park. We ran to Hobby Lobby for craft supplies really quick afterwards but still nothing was happening. I started getting crampy at 8:00 pm and went on my nightly walk, but getting crampy on my walk was nothing new. I started timing contractions with an app after the walk and they weren’t dying off this time! I had opened the app hoping to time contractions several times in the last two weeks but I would realize that I was missing contractions here and there and it would always die off.

I texted over a screenshot of an hour worth of contractions to the midwives at 10:40 pm. They were anywhere from 3-7 minutes apart. My mom suggested calling them at 11:40 when I started pulling weird faces every time I had a contraction. Kendra and her assistant showed up a little after midnight. She had texted us saying we could get the birth pool blown up but not to fill it up yet. But I was starting to zone out and missed the part where it said not to fill it up yet  so we did, the water got cold before I was ready, and then our old water heater had to warm up more water. 

I labored in the bed for a little and when I was checked I was dilated to a 5/6. I didn’t like laboring in the bed without an epidural. So we moved to me sitting on the toilet or “dilation station”. This always sounded like a good idea when I heard about it during pregnancy but in reality it was really unpleasant. I had the hardest time keeping my feet flat on the ground like I was supposed to. But it did its job and got me to an 8. I had to wait in the bed and couch for a while until the birthing pool was the right temperature and that wasn’t my favorite but was definitely better than the toilet. Like in all my previous labors I threw up at this point.

I was SO happy to get in the birthing pool when it was finally ready. But it wasn’t doing as much for my back labor as I thought it would. Transition without pain relief is something else. I was determined to push him out in 15 minutes but I just kept watching the minutes pass by on the clock and he still wasn’t in my arms. I started pushing at 2:30 am. Kendra kept telling me that I just needed to get him out from under my pelvic bone and I was getting very frustrated that it was taking so long. I made some noises that surprised even myself and Kendra helped me save my voice by trying other things because I was screaming myself hoarse. I remember every crazy thing I said. “Am I going to die? I’m going to die. Please let me die!” I remember praying to let me die. Now that I’m sane again I’m grateful that prayer wasn’t answered.

The first 30 minutes of pushing were so long. The last 20 minutes went a lot faster as I turned into myself and stopped trying to run away from the pain. He came out posterior/sunny side up (face up) at 3:21 am and suddenly everything made sense. Kendra knew but didn’t want to tell me and freak me out because he was doing well. Every time I go back and watch the video of him crowning and me grabbing him onto my chest, I cry because of how gently the midwives were talking to me. So now I don’t know how much him being posterior affected my pain level vs if he had been facing the right way. The water was 101 degrees and I was so sweaty and getting dehydrated.  I had also never labored all night before and so I wasn’t used to being that sleepy. I kept asking to go to bed between contractions at the very end. 

I had a level 1 hemorrhage and I had to be given pitocin to deliver the placenta because it was taking too long. The best part was being able to get right into our own bed and not being woken up all night by nurses. I was falling asleep during the discharge instructions but luckily Bear was wired and listened to the end. The midwives did a load of dishes and laundry before they left. I was so grateful that my mom got to be there too. The first couple of days postpartum I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, but now that we’ve hit the 2-week mark I’m feeling pretty good.  

iPhone Photo Update

Donut boy

Daddy's boy

All 3 of my boys

Milk drunk

Bye Bye Bear

Coordinating binkies!

Yesterday was Bear's last day of work at Midwest Academy. My mom and dad were out for the night and when Bear came home, I lost it and cried and cried because we've never spent more than 1 week away from each other. We got to go to a little bit of a neighborhood softball picnic that we were invited to before I had to drop Bear off at the bus stop in Keokuk, IA. My parents watched the babies and we took Lachlan with us so he could see Bear get on the bus. 

I thought I got all my tears out last night, but Lachlan did this little whimper and  reached out for Bear as he disappeared onto the bus and I lost it again. I had to go to Walmart right after, and I kept my sunglasses on inside so nobody would see my messed up makeup. 

But now that I finally have all of my tears out, I'm excited for this adventure that Bear gets to have. And believe it or not, I will be able to keep in better contact with Bear now. With his old job, he worked 16 hour shifts (that usually went longer), and he wasn't allowed to have his phone on him. This caused a lot of anxiety for me when I was pregnant. Now his job revolves around his phone and he can call or text me anytime. 4 weeks sounds like forever, but my family will be here and the twins are over 3 weeks old even though it seems like they were just born so hopefully it will go fast, especially with my family here. 

Both Bear and I got priesthood blessings this morning and that helped a lot too. I believe that if we rely on the Lord, he can stretch us and compensate for our weaknesses if we really are trying our best. 

Suns Out, Guns Out

Party on the living room floor

Party on the living room floor

Bear's mom left early this morning. And he leaves tomorrow afternoon.

The twins are 3 weeks old. They are good little nursers and I can nurse them at the same time now, which significantly cuts my nursing time down. Making milk for two babies is no joke. I have to eat and drink all day and I feel like I have the metabolism of a teenage boy.

We still go down to Pageant preshow every night. Bear loves stick pulling.

I'm dreading saying goodbye to Bear tomorrow. 

Crazy Summer

We literally go and hang out at pageant every night.

I think I can honestly say this has been a crazy summer. Not only did I have a baby, but I had twins, (with a million doctor's appointments before and after the babies were born), Bear has been applying for grad school and new jobs, and he's getting ready to go sell pest control in California for the last 4 weeks that my parents are here. He leaves Saturday.

I've never spent this much time away from him. EVER. The truth of it still hasn't hit me all of the way. Luckily, I'll still have my parents and siblings here and they are all super helpful, but Bear won't be there to help me with babies in the night. I guess I just need to start going to bed earlier. I'm more worried about Lachlan who is such a daddy's boy. If he goes more than a day without seeing dad, he starts acting up. At least toddlers have no sense of time, but we may be in for a "fun" ride.

Why is my husband taking off for 4 weeks right after we had twins, you ask? Well, Bear's current job has given him a lot of experience in his field and is helping him apply for better jobs and for grad school, but it just wasn't paying enough. He loved his work, but we looked at it like a paid internship that would look good on his resume. But we need a little more cushion if Bear is going to start grad school and can't work full time for the next little while.

We're still waiting to hear back from the program he applied for at Quincy University because they just got his transcript from SVU (yes, I know we graduated in December. It's a long story on why it's taken this long). I keep thinking life will slow down. But a little relaxation doesn't look like it's in our immediate future ;)

Baby-wearing

My view this morning

I'm trying to get better at baby-wearing because I wanted to do it with Lachlan but never really did. My mom gave me her two ring slings when I was pregnant with Lachlan but because I was using them wrong I didn't like them. Now I'm trying to educate myself so that I'm not just leaving my babies in their bassinets all day. I love it because I can get things done because it's hands free, but I'm not feeling guilty for not holding them. 

I'm wearing Lennox right now as I'm typing actually. Good thing both babies are so light right now. Now I just need to look up how to wear both of them at the same time.

Pageants

We are loving going down to the Nauvoo and British Pageants almost every night. They started on July 8th, and it's such a happy atmosphere. Bear can't go when he works, but I go with my family and they help me with Lachlan and the babies. I was sad at first that we didn't get accepted into the Pageant this year, but there's no way we could have worked it out with 3 tiny boys. So I just enjoy it as an audience member. We sit on benches and watch Mia and Noah fiddle in the band, and I can nurse the babies while we sit and visit with church members from all over the country, and sometimes out of the country. I love meeting new people and getting out and about. Maybe I should be resting at home, but I'm always afraid of what I'm going to miss out on!

We love love love the British Pageant which is new this year. I relate to it because it tells the story of my ancestors.





Then Lachlan was Stitch for most of the day yesterday.

My life right now

My life consists of feeding babies right now. But I'm okay with that. Because the time is going by too fast. I have the babies on the same feeding schedule and they only woke up twice last night to eat and went right back to sleep. Lachlan is a really good sleeper too so I can't complain. Having my mom here to help has been such a blessing. I didn't realize how much I needed the help of my family until they got here. Family is so important.

The twins are so small right now that I feel like I'm going to break them and I can't imagine them big enough to roll over, sit up, and crawl. They have both finally learned to latch every time and I'm so grateful that I'm able to breastfeed them, even if I end up needing to supplement later. We blessed them in church yesterday because Bear's mom is in town. Both boys slept right through them. Lachlan screamed through his whole blessing and of course started screaming through his brothers' and my mom had to take him out of the chapel. Their blessing outfits were way too big for them!

Lachlan looks HUGE now. And he feels so heavy and his diapers are giant! He is a little jealous, but hasn't done anything to worry me yet. He likes to take the babies' binkies and blankets but gives them kisses, pats their heads, and tries to give them their binkies when they cry. He's going to have a lot of fun with them when they get older.

And...getting out the door literally takes 15 minutes. And that's just buckling carseats and loading up the car.

Twin Birth Story

I want to write down this story while it's still fresh in my mind.

HERE is Lachlan's birth story if you want a comparison.

Just like with Lachlan's labor, I had been having lots of Braxton Hicks for at least a couple of weeks before I went into real labor. Sometimes I'd get a little crampy, sometimes they'd start to come regularly, and some were strong enough to take my breath away. But they'd usually start at night, be mild enough that I could sleep through them, and stop once I got up in the morning. The nights that I went on walks with my mom seemed to make the Braxton Hicks a little stronger. 

My goal of 35 weeks came and went. I officially didn't have to go to Peoria any more - for check ups or the delivery. It just turned into a waiting game and I guessed that the boys were both over 5 lbs. My mom was there, and we were shooting for the weekend that of 35 weeks or 36 weeks because then Mia wouldn't be gone at Girls Camp and would be able to babysit Noah, Susie, and Lachlan, especially if I had to go during the night.  Also, my doula wouldn't be on vacation. But Lachlan got sick the night of Saturday the 21st and there was a crazy storm that made the power go out for a few hours Sunday night so I guess it wasn't for the best. I was having some pretty strong Braxton hicks that Sunday night, some enough to take my breath away and sometimes I felt a little crampy so I was hoping they'd say I was in labor at my scheduled Monday morning appointment but the nurse just said it's "irritability". That bummed me out. 

Monday night I had a meltdown because I was so uncomfortable and felt like I was past due. I wondered if I was going into labor soon on Wednesday because I felt extra tired/low energy that day and was having more Braxton Hicks during the day, instead of the regular ones at night. We went to Noah's scout pack meeting Wednesday night and I had Bear look up acupressure points to rub to send me into labor. We tried them with Lachlan and nothing happened. But maybe they worked this time, because I woke up at 4 am Thursday morning the 26th with some back labor. 

The contractions were about 5 minutes apart, very similar to Lachlan's labor. Again, I got out of bed a lot because I have to move when I'm in labor and I wanted to let Bear get as much sleep as he could. Bear had a job interview that morning in Carthage and I was supposed to go in for an NST (non-stress test) anyways so I was even thinking that maybe I still could ride out the contractions in the car while Bear was in his interview, then we'd go to the NST and then they could tell me if I was in labor or not and we'd be at the hospital anyways. I packed the hospital bag just in case. I took a warm shower to let the water run on my back. I woke up my mom at about 5:30 to tell her I thought was in labor. I soaked in the tub for a while too. My water never broke, but soaking in the tub/taking a hot shower always seems to make my labor really progress because I could tell this was the real deal even though I hadn't been keeping track of the contractions. I knew they were coming very consistently and getting closer than 5 min apart.

Our dilemma was Mia wasn't home to babysit. I really felt like I needed to get to the hospital, so Bear called the emergency room, tried to get a hold of my midwife (and failed), gave me a priesthood blessing right before we left at 6:30 am and my mom stayed behind to figure out what to do with the kids. Luckily there's no worry about bad traffic at any time of day on the way to Carthage and Bear sped the whole way. What normally takes a little over 30 min, took us just over 20 minutes. I knew Bear was nervous because he was talking about the corn growing in the farmers' fields the whole way there, even though he wouldn't care about it in a normal situation. We got to the hospital about 7 am and could tell my labor was progressing faster than Lachlan's was. And I got proved right. The contractions were so close I could barely walk into the emergency room and the nurse there asked how I was feeling and I couldn't even talk to her. She said my face looked like I was in labor, but that happens to a lot of people and this might trickle off and they might have to send me home. I still couldn't say anything through all of this because I was trying to be calm and relaxed. But I knew this wasn't just going to trickle off.

I wanted to get checked right away, but she slowly hooked me up to the monitor and seemed to take her own sweet time to check me. Then all pandemonium broke loose. I hear her say, "I'm having a hard time finding her cervix....wait...she couldn't be fully dilated, could she?!!!! Call Dr. Jones right now!!!!!" as she runs out of the room. It ends up I was at an 8, so not fully dilated, but this was the real deal. We called my mom and she quickly found someone to check on the kids and she came as fast as she could. I had asked her to take picture of the labor and delivery.

 I already knew this ahead of time, but I had to deliver in the OR just because there is such a greater risk for an emergency c-section with twins. They immediately wheeled me in there and my doctor had to get woken up on the phone, and he drove there going 110 miles an hour from his home in Quincy. The other OB in town - Dr. Davis had to come in the mean time and him and Dr. Jones were both there for the delivery. 

Let me tell you, it's not very relaxing to deliver naturally in an OR with the bright lights, on a super skinny and hard OR bed, and seeing my mom and Bear in scrubs. Between my epidural with Lachlan (and not being able to feel how I was supposed to push) and his giant head getting stuck in the birth canal for 3 hours, I wanted to try going natural so that I could push faster and I knew that there was no way their heads were going to be as big as Lachlan's. But my contractions were killing me. So I got an Intrathecal - still administered like a shot in my back, but right into the cerebrospinal fluid instead of between two disks. It was enough to take the edge off of the pain, but I could still feel the contractions and where I needed to push. They broke my water and Orson came out in 2 rounds of pushing/contractions. That was at 8:38 am. It all happened so fast and it was crazy to think that if there was only one baby, I would already be done. 

Everything looked good with Orson, but now we really needed to focus. They gave me drugs to slow down my contractions to be able to monitor the situation and figure out what needed to be done. We were hoping Lennox would turn head down after Orson was born, but he turned breech. Dr. Jones hadn't delivered a breech baby vaginally since his residency and didn't feel comfortable doing it. Neither did I. At this point, they kicked my mom out of the OR. We really didn't want a C-section either. But Dr. Jones was able to turn Lennox completely around because there was so much room in my uterus. It was crazy to see how hard he was straining to turn him, but it didn't really hurt me. They were also worried that there was a lot of fluid under Lennox and a little bit of the cord. So they were worried that if they broke my water again, the cord would get in the way. But it got out of the way and he dropped way down where he was supposed to be. My contractions were slowed to down to every 15 minutes at this point, but because everything had turned out perfectly they gave me Pitocin to start things back up. I only closed back up to a 9 and it didn't take long to get my contractions back to 2-3 minutes and back open to a 10. Dr. Jones wanted me to hold on and not push through a contraction but I couldn't help it and out popped Lennox super quickly too. At 10:48 am. 

And that is the story of how Orson Foster (5 lbs 8 oz) and Lennox David (6 lbs) came into this world. There were a lot of similarities in their labor and Lachlan's (including throwing up my breakfast), but the pushing was a completely different experience. The only issue was I seemed to have a reaction to the Intrathecal and my face was super itchy during and after delivery. There was no rash, but I couldn't stop touching my face - especially my nose. And I was so thirsty and hungry during delivery but then I kept throwing up every time I tried to eat again that night. So now my face is all red and blotchy and my nose is rubbed raw but I have an appetite again and haven't thrown up all day today. Lennox has a tiny bit of jaundice but they are super healthy otherwise. They literally want to eat all day and all night. And we can go home tomorrow!

Mother's Day 2014

Dear Lachlan,

I am writing you another letter this year on Mother's Day.
So much has changed in the past year.
I'm not a full-time student anymore.
I'm a stay-at-home mom.
Dad doesn't work seasonally anymore, he has a regular job.
We have both graduated SVU.
Our diplomas should be coming in the mail soon.
Since last Mother's Day, you've learned to sit up, crawl, stand, walk, run, you've been weaned, and you sleep through the night.
You have a set schedule and I don't have to yank you around to dad's baseball games, to class, or to babysitters anymore.
You're not a baby anymore.
And you won't be my only baby anymore.
You're still healthy.
You love to help me clean.
You copy everything dad does. You're such a daddy's boy.
You love to play baseball because dad does.
You love cars, trucks, balls, sword fighting, and shooting things.
It's so fun to see what you pick up from me and dad.
It's also fun to see your own little personality showing through.
You're so serious and thoughtful, but you have a silly side. And a naughty side.
I still don't think you understand that there are two babies in my tummy.
Hopefully it won't be too big of a shock for you.
You love nursery and are almost 18 months old.
You love other kids and you're such a people person.
This gives me hope that you'll love to help me and dote on your twin brothers when they come.
Although you're not old enough to give me your little crafts, flowers, cards, or breakfast in bed, and you have yet to say, "I love you, mom!", I want you to know that I love you.
And that you will always be the baby that made me a mom.
Thank you for another wonderful Mother's Day.
I love you.

New New Job

Bear just switched jobs to working at Midwest Academy. It's a therapeutic boarding school for troubled teens. Which is exactly what Bear wanted to be all along. He works 16-18 hour shifts straight, but then has whole days off in between so that we can go have fun during the week, not just on the weekends. But yes, this means that his schedule is different every week and he'll have to work Saturday and Sundays sometimes. Bear was really unhappy with his sales job and the pay is about the same. It's a little frustrating that we didn't start with this job, but sometimes you have to go down one road to realize that it's the wrong one. Like Jeffrey R. Holland talks about in this Mormon Message:

It's only his second day of work, but it will be interesting to see where this takes us. I keep getting asked if we plan to stay in the area, and I guess we haven't thought about it deeply yet. The biggest goal was to finish college after we got married, and we're taking things one step at a time. We've lived so many places just since we've gotten married, and both of us moved a lot growing up. So I know that we could learn to live anywhere. One thing I do know for certain...I miss Virginia. I think the middle East Coast is my favorite.

iPhone Photo Update

Someday, I'll get a real camera.

This was still in VA. Big Bear and Little Bear watching TV together.

Meeting Santa for the second time. Last time he was 2 weeks old.

Santa Baby.

He loves baseball caps.

Christmas Morning with his new blue moccs and car.

Despicable Me 2!

Grandpa and Lachlan have matching grey sweaters! (bought at different times)

Happy New Year!

Grandpa's headphones

Playing with blocks.

How Lachlan puts on sunglasses.

Lachlan had a low-grade fever. Probably teething-related.

Twin Facts

Some facts about twins:

• It's more likely that your morning sickness will be worse.
• More than 50% of twins are born preterm (before 37 weeks).
• With a single baby, the average delivery is at 40 weeks, with twins it's at 35 weeks.
• A single baby's average birth weight is 7 lbs, twins are 5.5 lbs on average.
• You're twice as likely to get preeclampsia with twins
• You're more likely to have gestational diabetes with a twin pregnancy.
• One twin can be much smaller than the other because of placenta problems or because of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (when identical twins share a placenta and the twins pass blood between each other, making it uneven).
• It's healthy to gain 25-35 lbs with a singleton pregnancy, but with twins 37-54 lbs is healthy. I need to be gaining 1 lb per week in the first half of pregnancy, and more than 1 lb per week in the second half. Yikes.
• Because it's less likely for both twins to be head-down, C-section births are much more common with twins.

Now do you know why I'm a little stressed out?

Credit: Your Pregnancy and Childbirth: Month to Month, Fifth Edition

The Real Adult Life

Bear started his training in DeKalb on Monday. He left Sunday afternoon and will be back late Friday night. He says the training is intense because they squished 6 days worth of stuff into 5 days. Bear is literally busy all day and we get to talk late at night when he's finally back to the hotel. Man, there are perks to having a post-college, full-time adult job, but there are cons too. I can't imagine how lonely I would be without my parents and siblings right now. Okay, enough with the whining!

One of the great things about living in Nauvoo is the temple is RIGHT there. It was really hard to go to the temple in Virginia (especially with little kids). With the temple being 3.5 hours away, we either had to leave Lachlan with somebody ALL day, or bring a babysitter with us - which was hard to do on Ward/Stake temple day when everyone else wants to go to the Temple too. Now I just need to make sure I don't take it for granted.

I admit, it has been hard for me to get used to being a stay-at-home mom. I'm not dying to go back to school by any means, and I'm actually still pretty burnt out. When people ask me how I did it, I honestly don't know. I'm not a super woman. All I know is that I finished in the nick of time too - I seriously would have had to drop out with the twins. And although I hated having two very time-consuming things that needed my attention - motherhood and school (and they both always seemed to need attention at the same time), now I feel a little useless. I know how important motherhood is, and I'm glad I can give all of my attention to Lachlan now. And I know I need to stay home for all three kids soon. But I can't help but feel like half of my identity (a student) was taken away. Now, I'm just a mom. Real adult life starts now. After my family leaves for Korea, I won't have much socializing or adult conversation. The whole time that I've been married, I've been a student. First, I was a student. Then a student and wife. Then a student and mother. Now, just a mother. I have to keep readjusting my identity every year or so. So I know I'll get used to it eventually, but with non-stop school since I was a little girl, this is going to take some time to adjust to.

I DID NOT like the latest Downton Abbey episode. I know it wasn't graphic, and Julian Fellowes has his excuses "“The whole point of the way we do things on Downton is we don’t do them gratuitously. We are interested in exploring the resultant emotions and the effect these things have on people.” But at what point is he going to stop? He has to keep taking it up a notch. What point is too much?

The weather has warmed up in Nauvoo and our kitty survived. I'm kick-starting my Mary Kay business again and trying to reorganize everything.

A New Year

Happy New Year!

It has seriously been too cold outside! I keep wanting to go on walks outside, but I'm going to freeze to death if I do! After all the lecturing I gave people to workout while they're pregnant, I have done nothing. People keep asking me if I'm doubly sick with these twins, but luckily I'm not. I was definitely tired while I was pregnant with Lachlan, but I think I'm doubly tired this time instead of doubly sick. I'm sleeping 10 hours at night. I fall asleep between 9-10 pm. Which is weird for me because I usually stay up until midnight. I have the opposite of insomnia. If I sit down too long, I fall asleep. I get tired after little tasks. Sometimes I have to sit down while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning because I don't have enough energy to stand up. I know that working out will probably give me an energy boost, but it's really hard to motivate yourself when just thinking about getting ready for the day makes you want to go to sleep again.

I usually feel the most nauseous at night, right before I pass out on the couch while we're watching something. Every morning, I have to ask Bear how the movie or TV show ended. And Bear has to carry me to bed every night. I think the nausea is my body forcing me to go to sleep. Besides not wanting to stand up to brush my teeth, I wish it didn't have to be a daily thing because I almost throw up every time I brush. I try to stay away from the back of my throat, but brushing the front of my teeth irritates my gag reflex. I'm 11 weeks, almost to the second trimester. I just look a tiny bit bloated, but I'm not really showing yet. Which kind of surprises me. I thought with it being my second pregnancy and twins, that I would start showing earlier. At least by now. But who knows, I might pop tomorrow.

Yesterday was Fast Sunday, and Susanna Grace saw me making breakfast for myself and asked me if I was going to fast. I realized that I haven't fasted in almost 2 years because I was pregnant with Lachlan, and then I nursed him for a year. So her question made me think to myself, "because I just finished nursing, this should be my first month to start fasting again!" And I felt like a horrible person for being so out of the habit of fasting and not remembering myself. It took me a few minutes to remember that I'm pregnant again. This happened when I was pregnant with Lachlan too - sometimes I forget that I'm pregnant when I'm not feeling super sick, I don't have a huge bump, and I don't feel any baby kicking. That will change soon when I'm the size of a whale though!

Our good news is...Bear got hired at American Marketing! He'll be selling advertising to towns around us. He has to memorize a page-long script before his first day (on Jan. 13th), so he's a little stressed. He also has a week of training and a day long conference that the company has every year, so he'll be gone for 9 days. Luckily, I'll have my parents and siblings to help and we're very excited and grateful - especially because we'll have medical insurance for the twins. I haven't been to the doctor since we've moved, but now that we have the insurance and I'm doing my homework, I'll set up an appointment soon.

My family is really into watching Foyle's War at the moment, and of course Downton Abbey Season 4! Also, my younger siblings were supposed to go back to school today, but it was cancelled because of the low temperatures. The thermostat is set at 72, but Bear and I still had to sleep with a space heater in our room last night and there's ice on the inside of some of the windows. The kids have been blowing frozen bubbles outside and throwing boiling water out into the negative degree air and watching it disappear (turn to steam). I started reading about freezing to death on the internet last night, and it made me really happy that we have a warm house. I don't know if our kitty survived out there though :(

Fertility

Now that I'm pregnant with twins, I've been thinking about fertility a lot lately. It's a funny thing. There are those few people who know exactly how many kids they're going to have and exactly when they're going to have them and everything goes according to plan. But I know so many more people whose baby plans are thrown off.

I know people who had two or three kids really close together and then were never able to have any more after that. I know people who space their kids out 5 years apart. I know people that have a set of older kids and then a set of younger kids. People who had honeymoon babies and people who waited 10 years to have kids. I know families with only one child. We have family friends that have 10 kids. We have friends with no kids. We have friends with adopted kids. We know friends that have in vitro babies. We know friends with surprise babies. With kaboose babies. Mixed families. Couples that have been trying for months/years to get pregnant or even adopt. Some finally get their wish. Some don't. Fertility is so different for everyone.

My family fell into two of the above groups. We had an older set of kids and a younger set of kids. And some adopted kids. My parents have five kids, and I'm the oldest. I was the only planned baby. My younger sister Tashi was born 16 months after me. She was definitely a surprise (a good one) and my parents felt like they were going to have a million kids by the time they were 30 years old. But then, they weren't able to get pregnant again for 14 years after Tashi. So my sister and I were the older set. My parents never found out why they couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything. They tried adopting from several different countries and long story short, we adopted two healthy Japanese newborns (Mia and Noah) that weren't biological siblings, 3 years apart. 3 years after that, my parents had another surprise biological baby - Susanna Grace. Mia, Noah and Susanna are the younger set. And although Mia and Noah were adopted, they feel just as much as my siblings as Tashi or Susanna.

I didn't know all the struggles my parents went through while they were trying to get pregnant or adopt, but it bred in me this anxiety that I was going to have the same problem. It sounds silly now, but a few months after I got married I was having extreme anxiety that I would never get pregnant. Bear gave me a blessing that I would be able to get pregnant. And I did. (Bear's family is extremely fertile. I didn't take this into account). And now I'm pregnant again. Apparently my anxiety was just plain silly. I do feel like we will deserve a break from getting pregnant for a while after the twins are born. But who knows - what if we can't get pregnant again after the twins, even if we want to? The thing is, you never know.

I just shared a lot of personal information but I wanted to make a point. We want to be nosy about other people's fertility. The thing is, it is very personal. We don't know people's financial situations or the pressure they're getting from in-laws or the fears they have of passing on a genetic disease etc etc. Having only one baby doesn't make you a bad parent. Having 10 kids doesn't make you a bad parent. We don't know people's intentions and fears. Some things are planned, some things are chance - like twins or down syndrome or miscarriages (not that I want to compare having twins with the terrible loss of a miscarriage). So my point is, fertility is a little fickle sometimes. Which is hard, because having babies is such a life-changing event (usually for the better). And we really can't judge others. We don't know if that couple that didn't have a baby until they were married for 10 years did that on purpose and their plan went perfectly, or if that same couple have been trying from day one. We also don't know if the couple with 10 kids knew they wanted that many from the beginning, or if they all came as a surprise. But does it matter? As long as you're providing for your kids and trying to be the best parent that you can,  it really doesn't matter. People are going to be nosy. But life is life. Live yours, and be the best parent that you can. Sometimes you can't control fertility. But that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent. You can do it!

TWINS

Now my thoughts are racing all day. TWINS?!

While I had a very healthy pregnancy with Lachlan and he was born right on his due date, this pregnancy will be very different. I have anxiety, and I imagined every little thing that could go wrong while I was pregnant with Lachlan. He had a rather difficult delivery, but everything turned out the best that it could have, given the situation. I didn't have to have a C-section or use forceps. He has been a very healthy baby and either right on target or ahead of his milestones. I had great blood pressure, didn't have gestational diabetes, and worked out throughout my whole pregnancy.

I know that just because Lachlan was so healthy doesn't guarantee that every pregnancy after that would be. But it did give me a little more piece of mind than my first pregnancy. Of course there's always the chance of having a preemie, down syndrome, the cord around the neck (and the list goes on and on), but I felt a little more confident this second time around. I haven't taken as many pregnancy tests as last time and I felt like I could handle any surprise the doctor threw at me. I was wrong.

We're in the middle of finals (our last semester at SVU) so there's been a lot of stress tied up in that. Like I said earlier, I can't keep secrets, so we told parents right away that we're pregnant, but we decided to announce to the public after the first doctor's visit, like we did with Lachlan. And let me give a little more background. The doctor I went to with Lachlan only took a urine sample and asked if I was taking any medications. So basically they told me what I already knew through home pregnancy tests but it was nice to have it confirmed by a doctor. At that office, they didn't give ultrasounds until 13 weeks, but we were moving to California to work for the summer so we asked if we could get an ultrasound before then. They said no, and I assumed that it was just standard procedure everywhere. Well...our insurance didn't work in California...so I didn't go to the doctor. I had a lot of people scold me for this. Whatever. Things turned out fine. My mommy intuition told me it was okay. But I was able to find a 3-D ultrasound place while in California and at 20 weeks, I finally got to see Lachlan. It still hadn't seemed quite real up until the point that I got to see a picture of him and find out that he was a boy. When I was pregnant with Lachlan, I had a lot of dreams of twins and really hoped that he would be. So I was a little disappointed when there was just one baby on the screen. I wanted a boy and girl twin. But I got over that disappointment quickly once Lachlan was born and I found out how challenging just one baby can be.

Fast forward to 2 days ago, I just wanted to get the appointment over with because I assumed that they would only be taking my pee again. Bear was in a final and I had to take a friend to watch Lachlan in the waiting room. I switched to a different office because I had more friends go there and love it, and they had certified nurse midwives, which I wanted to go with this time around. Now I see why my friends liked this place better. I got an ultrasound at 8 weeks! I was so surprised but happy that my 45 minute drive to the office was going to be more worth my time. The ultrasound nurse was very kind and was trying to show me my ovaries at first (it all just looked like grey matter to me). But when she kept moving over my uterus, it looked weird. I could tell there was something in there, but it was hard to locate the baby. It must be because the baby is only the size of a kidney bean at this point and I might be seeing the yolk sac and placenta, I thought. She zoomed in, and I saw the baby's heartbeat fluttering away. I was instantly in love. But wait. Why is there another heartbeat above it? Is that the placenta pumping blood? Then the nurse said, "I have no other way to tell you this, but it's twins!" Then I saw it was two separate babies. Two little kidney beans. I literally said "Ohmygosh" 10 times in a row. Everyone asked if I cried, but  I didn't. My eyes just widened and I've been in shock ever since.

I had had a dream the night before the appointment that it was twins, but thought that it was just like when I was pregnant with Lachlan and didn't think anything of it. So I had to check that I wasn't dreaming while in the ultrasound room.

They're identical because they're in the same gestational sac (the black part in the picture - this couldn't happen if they were fraternal). This means either two girls or two boys because they split from the same zygote. And if they were in separate gestational sacs, there would literally be a line in the middle of my uterus and there would be two black sections. They share a placenta, so there's a little risk with that, but they are in separate amniotic sacs (which is a good thing). Otherwise, they could get tangled in each other's cords or compress each other's cord and restrict oxygen. Identical twins are 3 in 1,000 births. Funny that I was ready for depressing news from the doctor, but this news was the last thing from my mind. All twins are 33 in 1,000 births. The nurse said they'd been having a lot of twins lately.

So now we need a lot more baby gear, even if they're boys. Bear really wants them to be boys, I really want them to be girls. I'm afraid if having 3 boys that close in age, they'll get into all sorts of trouble and just egg each other on. Poor Lachlan has no idea what's coming. Now I'm having different anxiety - about not having the full 9 months to prepare for a baby and that they'll come super early and have all sorts of health problems and I'll have to leave them at the hospital and they'll be in incubators...or that I'll go full term and look like a whale. And how the heck am I going to breastfeed twins?! I feel as unsure as a new mom again. Twin pregnancies usually have to have more checkups and are more high risk and are more likely to end in C-sections (NO!) Hopefully they'll each have smaller heads than Lachlan and they'll both slip right out. (Fingers crossed)

Bear loved having Lachlan sleep on his chest (and still does) - I don't. It makes it so I can't breathe. So yesterday Bear's eyes lit up, and he said, "now I get to have two babies sleep on my chest at the same time!"

I thought life would slow down after graduation. Then we got pregnant. Now it's twins. Heavenly Father has a sense of humor sometimes. ("No sleep for you!")

Q&A:

Q: Do twins run in my family?
A: They haven't been able to prove that identical twins are hereditary. Scientists aren't even sure why the fertilized egg splits in the first place, and if it's because of the mom or dad. Fraternal twins are hereditary because hyper-ovulation is hereditary. Even though it hasn't been proven, my dad's younger sister has identical twin girls and my dad's dad has two different siblings that each have their own identical twins...this will be the 4th pair of identical twins in 3 generations...so it has to be genetic.

Q: Was this a surprise pregnancy?
A: We were thinking about getting pregnant again soon, but definitely after I had graduated. Right when we thought that - WHAM! The same thing happened with Lachlan. We were thinking about it, but a few more months in the future. So it was a little bit of a surprise, but not completely out of nowhere. The twin thing was a surprise for sure though.

Q: Are you going to go natural?
A: I would love to not have a C-section and to have a healthy birth again. But twins are more high-risk. So I'm going to be switched to a doctor, not a nurse-midwife. I'd love to try natural again, but if their heads are anything like Lachlan's were, I might give in an get an epidural again.

Q: Have you been feeling extra sick?
A: No, just super hungry. With Lachlan, nothing sounded good so I wasn't eating as much and lost a lot of weight. Now I just want to eat a little bit all day. If I don't eat, I feel sick. I've only thrown up twice - once because of the smell of giblets cooking the night before Thanksgiving, and once when I gagged myself on accident while brushing my teeth. I have felt a little nauseous here or there, but I can usually eat and it will go away. I haven't been bed-ridden because of it.

Q: Do you know if they're boys or girls yet?
A: No, because I'm only 8 weeks along. The earliest they can tell is 14, but usually wait until 20 weeks just to be sure.

Q: How far apart will your kids be?
A: If the twins are born right on their due date, 20 months exactly. But they'll probably be closer together than that now

Early pregnancy

I want to do better at documenting this pregnancy.

The PTSD of labor and delivery is creeping back. And I automatically think baby=baby+school. I have to keep reminding myself that by the time I have this baby, I will be done with school. It's just hard to imagine what that will actually be like so it's hard to talk myself into it.

I'm so glad that I'll be done with school. I don't think I would've ever finished if I had taken a break.

I'm scared because we don't know where we'll be living in July, when this baby is due.

I am the worst at keeping it a secret.

Some things are still very similar to Lachlan's pregnancy. I want to take a million pregnancy tests all day just to make sure. I can't wait for my first doctor's appointment to confirm. I feel like Sue from SNL. I can't keep secrets. But we're going to wait til 7-8 weeks to announce this one too.

I kept thinking of Lachlan as a baby until Sunday when I took my pregnancy test. Now I keep thinking of him as the older brother and think of him as a walking, talking toddler.

I would love to have a girl, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up and be happy with whichever - boy or girl.

Yosemite

We just had a quick day trip on August 18th. Yes, we realize Lachlan is way too big for the bjorn, but we needed something to hold him while we hiked. 

We hiked about a mile each way to the Grizzly Giant. The tree has been measured many times, most recently in 1990 by Wendell Flint. It has a volume of 34,005 cubic feet (962.9 m³), making it the 25th largest giant sequoia living today.

Look at the roots of this tree!

Resting at the Grizzly Giant

We made it!

Lachlan petting the horse that took us on a stagecoach ride.

Funny story, Bear's wallet fell out of his pocket while we were sitting in front of the Wawona Hotel. We had to call the hotel and have a staff member go look for it for us. And luckily, it was still there - we weren't even sure that was where he had dropped it. Yosemite was just under 2 hours from our apartment. Bear planned to go back and get his wallet within the next couple of days. But then we heard about the fire in Yosemite and started freaking out that we wouldn't be able to get back in! But we were coming in from the south side and that way was still open at the time. Lucky, lucky! I can't wait for more family vacations and day trips in the future.

CRAZY

Life has been a little too crazy lately. So I'll try to catch up.

1. We made as much money as we did last summer, so I'd call it a success. It wasn't fun moving coast to coast while I was pregnant, but it was way less fun with a baby. If we end up selling for Dewey again next year, we've made the decision that Lachlan and I live with my parents for a few weeks in May and June, while Bear sells really hard, and then we'll have the rest of the summer free. We haven't had a free summer since we got married. We plan to apply for the Nauvoo pageant this Fall. *fingers crossed*

2. We've made it through the first week of our last semester as undergrads. Bear has 15 credits, I only have 7. I'm retaking my Senior Paper, and that's basically what I'm poring myself into this semester. Even 12 credits was too much for me with a bebbe. So I only have one class in the morning Mon-Thurs, and no class on Friday. Bear has all 15 credits on Tues/Thurs, with no class on MWF. His eligibility is up for baseball (we're quite sad about that), but now he has time to work during the semester and he has applied a few different places. This semester is also crunch time. Bear will be going to as many job fairs as he can, and trying to narrow down what he wants to do after we graduate.

3. Lachlan was/is teething this whole trip. So as we're packing up, driving across the country, changing time zones, trying to move in and go back to school...all 3 of us have had no sleep. I honestly can't remember the last time I got 3 hours straight. I've tried Highland's teething tablets, I let him comfort nurse...his teeth broke through yesterday so I thought that was the end, and then there was last night...no end seems to be in sight. If I didn't have Bear, all my hair might have been pulled out by now.

4. But despite all of this craziness, we're excited to be back in the humidity and to have 1 pm church again. If we've made it this far, we can make it through this semester!