The Real Adult Life

Bear started his training in DeKalb on Monday. He left Sunday afternoon and will be back late Friday night. He says the training is intense because they squished 6 days worth of stuff into 5 days. Bear is literally busy all day and we get to talk late at night when he's finally back to the hotel. Man, there are perks to having a post-college, full-time adult job, but there are cons too. I can't imagine how lonely I would be without my parents and siblings right now. Okay, enough with the whining!

One of the great things about living in Nauvoo is the temple is RIGHT there. It was really hard to go to the temple in Virginia (especially with little kids). With the temple being 3.5 hours away, we either had to leave Lachlan with somebody ALL day, or bring a babysitter with us - which was hard to do on Ward/Stake temple day when everyone else wants to go to the Temple too. Now I just need to make sure I don't take it for granted.

I admit, it has been hard for me to get used to being a stay-at-home mom. I'm not dying to go back to school by any means, and I'm actually still pretty burnt out. When people ask me how I did it, I honestly don't know. I'm not a super woman. All I know is that I finished in the nick of time too - I seriously would have had to drop out with the twins. And although I hated having two very time-consuming things that needed my attention - motherhood and school (and they both always seemed to need attention at the same time), now I feel a little useless. I know how important motherhood is, and I'm glad I can give all of my attention to Lachlan now. And I know I need to stay home for all three kids soon. But I can't help but feel like half of my identity (a student) was taken away. Now, I'm just a mom. Real adult life starts now. After my family leaves for Korea, I won't have much socializing or adult conversation. The whole time that I've been married, I've been a student. First, I was a student. Then a student and wife. Then a student and mother. Now, just a mother. I have to keep readjusting my identity every year or so. So I know I'll get used to it eventually, but with non-stop school since I was a little girl, this is going to take some time to adjust to.

I DID NOT like the latest Downton Abbey episode. I know it wasn't graphic, and Julian Fellowes has his excuses "“The whole point of the way we do things on Downton is we don’t do them gratuitously. We are interested in exploring the resultant emotions and the effect these things have on people.” But at what point is he going to stop? He has to keep taking it up a notch. What point is too much?

The weather has warmed up in Nauvoo and our kitty survived. I'm kick-starting my Mary Kay business again and trying to reorganize everything.

Thoughts on Motherhood

I thought that I was ready to be a mom. Of course, that turned out to be not true and I realize now that no one can really truly be ready for parenthood. 

Even though it was something that I wanted with all of my heart, it is so hard. Even though I had a pretty easy pregnancy, it was still harder than I thought it would be. I used to have a weird notion that stay-at-home moms had it so easy. They don't have to work, and get to have fun planning meals and work on their hobbies all day. They get to cuddle babies all day and get together with their other mommy friends. Now, some days it sounds so much easier to go to work all day.

I thought that I knew how to take care of babies. I had a bunch of younger siblings, and I knew how to change diapers, to be careful of the soft spot, and to not shake the baby. I knew that you had to be careful until their umbilical cord fell off all the way. You had to burp them, and keep them warm, and that babies didn't let you sleep for the first few weeks. 

Although Lachlan wasn't colicky or sickly, he has yet to sleep 8 hours straight. I had no idea what prolonged periods of sleep deprivation can do to you. When it's your own baby, things are completely different. You can't just do a "good enough" babysitting job for your parents for a few hours. You want the best for your baby. Instead of just feeding your younger sibling the baby food that's already in the house, you have to worry what brand of baby food is best for your bebbe.

I didn't think about how much longer it was going to take me to get out of the house. How much stuff I had to pack in the diaper bag. How hard it would be to get Lachlan to learn to breastfeed, how hard it would be feel comfortable to learn to breastfeed in public. I didn't realize how much unwanted advice and criticism I would get. I didn't really know how it would be to take care of a teething baby. I didn't know how guilty I would feel when he fell off the bed. Or how much he would feed off my emotions; how freaky it would be to be dealing with a miniature of yourself.

I didn't realize how much guilt I would feel. How much I would second guess myself. How the second I get used to one of Lachlan's stages, he would change it up on me again. I feel so silly for telling myself "I'll never do what my friend does" or "I'm not going to be my mom"...and finding yourself doing the exact things you said you wouldn't. I'm still at a point where I can't quite imagine having another baby ever again. I tip my hat to people that have more than one baby.

I'm so grateful that I have supporting parents and parents-in-law. And that I have a Bear who helps me so much. I think everyone needs a big support system when they have a baby. Good thing that I know how worth it is to be a mom. Yes, being a parent is hard, but those times your baby looks into your eyes, laughs at you, or rubs his tired face into your shoulder...those times make it all worth it. Definitely worth it.

Mexican Chicken and Melon Head Boy

Bear and I always joke that Lachlan's head is as big and round as a melon. We proved it true at the grocery store today.

Boy thinking that he's helping me make dinner.

Although I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I'm finding the adjustment harder than I thought. I'm so used to rushing around with college and baseball. Our stake here does have a men's softball league once a week, but of course it's not the same. Also, I'm a very restless person. But I need a schedule at the same time. I'm very conflicted on the inside. I'll figure it out though.

I made Mexican Chicken (from genaw.com) for dinner last night. It was so easy! Bear said it was one of the best things that I've ever made. You can make it in the crock pot too, but I didn't start it in time and so I followed the original directions. From prep to finish, it was less than an hour. And super cheap too. We rolled the chicken in tortillas and made burritos.&nbsp:

MEXICAN CHICKEN
1 pound boneless chicken breasts
1 teaspoon Seasoning for Tacos
Salt, to taste
1/2 cup enchilada sauce
4 ounces cheddar cheese, shredded
3 green onions, chopped 

Sprinkle the chicken on both sides with taco seasoning; grill or saute. Cut the chicken into cubes and place in a greased 8x8" baking dish; season with salt to taste. Add the enchilada sauce and toss to coat the chicken. Sprinkle the cheese over the chicken and bake at 350 for 10-20 minutes, until hot and bubbly. Scatter the green onions over the top.
Makes 4 servings
Can be frozen

Mothers Day 2013

Dear Lachlan,

I got an idea to write a letter to you on the first Mother's Day that we spent together.
I'm not an eloquent writer.
But here it goes.
We got to spend the day with Grandma, Grandpa, Tashi, Mia, Noah, and Gracie.
And so it made me think a lot about Grandma as my mom.
I made Grandma a mother, and you did the same for me.
Thank you for being such an easy baby.
Thank you for being such a smiley baby.
Your smiles make everything worth it.
Thank you for being a healthy baby.
Sometimes I feel guilty for jerking you around so much as a newborn so that I could be a full-time college student.
Sometimes I wish that I didn't have that extra stress in my life, so that I could be a more relaxed mom for you.
Even though we had a rough start to it, thank you for learning to nurse, so that I could take that time to slow down and hold you during my busy semester.
Sometimes I wish that I was able to have a set schedule for you like other stay-at-home or working moms.
But you have a mom and dad that love you, as well as all four grand-parents.
We want you to do well.
I want to give you the best start possible.
Even though you are such an easy baby, quite often I feel guilty and second guess myself as a mother.
I don't know if I'll ever even come close to being a perfect mom, but I want to try my best.
Just for you.
Because I love you.
Your personality shows a little more each day and I can't wait until the day when we can talk to each other.
I hope you still want to cuddle me even as you grow older.
I hope that we can become friends.
And continue to bond.
You have taught me more about myself than anything else. 
I care about people too much for my own good sometimes.
So I hope I don't smother you, but I want you to know that I do care...a lot.
No matter what happens, I will love you forever.
Thank you for making this my first Mothers Day. 
It was a wonderful one. 
I love you.