We are parents now! Our baby boy Lachlan was born yesterday! If you want to read the nitty gritty of the birth story, here it is.
First of all, you have to understand that I had an irrational fear of not knowing when I was really in labor. It sounds silly I know, and everyone just kept telling me that I would "just know". This didn't help my fearfulness. On Sunday the 11th, I started super early labor. Meaning, I was kind of crampy and had more Braxton Hicks than normal. I hadn't let my hopes get up that I was going to have him early until this point. Every day that week, it progressed a little more. But even I could tell that I wasn't really in labor, but my body was taking its own sweet time getting there. Then, a week later on Sunday the 18th, we went on our usual Sunday walk, and after we came home I noticed that I had was having really hard Braxton Hicks really close together. Even though they didn't hurt, they were 3 minutes apart for over 2 hours. It was Sunday evening, so our doctor's office wasn't open. We called the ER, and they told us to come in. I had a handy-dandy app that was keeping track of my contractions for me, and they got 2-3 minutes apart. But it all seemed too easy - just like my fear. I was barely in pain.
I almost felt silly being sent up from the ER in a wheelchair. When they asked me to rate my pain, I honestly could only tell them a 1 or a 2. When I checked in, I was still barely dilated to a 1 - what I had been for the past 2 weeks. So I was pretty frustrated. I got to soak in the bathtub, which was nice because we didn't have one at home. They let me stay for 2 hours, but I didn't progress at all, my pain level didn't get any higher, and I barely stayed in the bathtub. My contractions stayed consistent though. Then we got sent home. I felt pretty sheep-ish walking out of the hospital at midnight that night. And then I was pretty grumpy in school the next day because we didn't get home til late (our hospital is 45 min. away - another reason that we felt like we needed to hurry and go that night, just in case). They told us to keep our scheduled doctor's appointment for Wednesday morning.
I was feeling so discouraged on Monday and Tuesday. Those were the last 2 days of class before Thanksgiving. It all worked out well, because Bear had a test on Monday and I had one on Tuesday, but I was so ready to have the baby out. There was no more room, and I was uncomfortable no matter what I was doing. And I was getting tired of the continuous Braxton Hicks that were seeming to do nothing. My fear of not knowing when I was going into labor was coming true. I had Bear give me a blessing on Monday, and it said that the labor would come quickly. I almost had to take a Facebook break because I couldn't handle all pictures and statuses of other people's cute babies. Bear made me watch an episode of "16 and Pregnant" to make me feel better about myself, but it just made me feel worse. I walked at least 2 miles on a track and then went window shopping after that, so I walked almost nonstop for 3 hours. Then we went out for spicy Thai food. Nothing.
We got up early for our morning appointment. We repacked our hospital bag to take with us, hoping that they'd tell me I had progressed and that I could check in across the street at the hospital again. Nope. I was still barely at a 1. So we went to Roanoke. We walked around the mall, did Where's Waldo books at Barnes and Noble, ate dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, and watched the new Lincoln movie (which we loved). My parents got in really late that night.
My sister was still in Utah at BYU, but the rest of my immediate family showed up at our house Thanksgiving morning, and my mom helped me make a Thanksgiving dinner. I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing though. We had a nice, relaxing day together and I got to eat a real Thanksgiving dinner. It made me really uncomfortable though because I had no room haha! My mom brought me a breast pump and some raspberry leaf tea, which I started drinking Thanksgiving night.
The day after Thanksgiving, we went to Charlottesville, and we took my family to Chick-fil-A for their first time. Bear took the kids to a movie, and I went to Monticello with my parents. Everywhere was crazy busy because it was Black Friday. We got to Monticello at 2:30, and we wouldn't have been able to get in til 5:30. So we just went to the gift shop, the movie, display, and took pictures with the Jefferson We statue.
Well, to actually get to the birth story, I woke up at 4:30 in morning to go to the bathroom, but wasn't able to get back to sleep after that because I was having painful contractions every 5 minutes. It was getting to the point that I had to get out of bed and move everytime that I had one, but I wanted to let Bear sleep. So I kept getting in the shower because the warm water really helped, and I kept moving around. My water broke at 7 am. And now that it's all said and done, I'm so glad that this was all happening at home and not in class...it wouldn't have been pretty. Once my water broke, I got Bear up, and the hospital told us to come in again. We told my parents and we went over to their hotel room to use their bathtub. After sitting in there a while, we decided to go to the hospital. My mom has really long labors, so she told me that I should wait at home as long as I could, but I was in too much pain. Even though we had felt so sheep-ish and silly when our doctor told us that we shouldn't have gone to the ER that one Sunday because that's just their protocol and they have to cover themselves, I'm so glad that we went through all of it. Because we knew exactly where to drive up to, how long it was going to take, and all of my information was already taken care of. Even though we had registered at the hospital a few weeks earlier, they still had a lot of questions for me when I came in that Sunday. And at this point, I definitely knew that I was in labor. These were no Braxton Hick contractions!
When I was checked in, I was at a 4. This was at 10 am. I wanted to get in the bathtub right away. I had planned to go natural with no epidural, but after being in the tub for an hour, I caved. The tub that had been helpful up until that point wasn't even helping anymore. I told them that I wouldn't get out of the bathtub unless I could get an epidural right away. Luckily, the epidural guy wasn't tied up and was able to do it right away. My contractions were 2 min. apart at this point, and I was already at an 8. I progressed really quickly. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to hold still for him long enough to put the epidural in because I was in so much pain. In a way, I felt silly for caving at what seemed like the very end. Because they almost didn't get it in time - I went straight to a 10 after they put the epidural in. And I probably could've made it if I had been like a normal person that only pushes for 15 min. But I pushed for 3 hours. And I wouldn't have been able to make it without that epidural. Because I progressed so quickly, my dad and the kids thought that they weren't going to make it in time. But then they ended up waiting around for 3 hours.
After I got the epidural in, I felt so much better. It took away the pain, but I was still able to move my legs around and feel where I needed to push. The baby's heart rate kept going down and they had to keep putting me on oxygen, which was scary, but then it would come back up again. I guessed that he was going to be 8-8.5 lbs. And that he was going to be really long, because he was seriously up in my lungs. Well the wonderful epidural didn't help my exhaustion at the end of the 3 hours. The doctor went past his 3 hour pushing limit for me. Which I'm glad that he did, because the other options were forceps or a c-section. And he was afraid to use the forceps. Because there was no room for them apparently. According to my mom, it was really scary, but I was out of it. I had to really be encouraged, and I just felt like everyone was lying to me when they said, "only a few more pushes!" etc. They thought he was posterior because of how long it took for him to come down, but he just couldn't get past my pelvic bone. He had a really bad cone-head. He chipped my tailbone and gave me a third-degree tear (a fourth degree is where you tear through your rectum to give you some perspective). Even though forceps seemed like a better option at the time, I'm glad that they didn't now, with how much pain I'm in without them being used).
So anyways, he was born at 3:54 pm Eastern time, 19 1/2 inches, 8 lbs 11 oz. The nurses kept commenting on how healthy his skin looked. He was tongue-tied, so they clipped it, and he has a receding chin, so nursing might be tricky, but I'm going to try my best. Thank you for all of your kind words and congratulations! We're excited to take him home and recover.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Anxiety
This is another subject that I feel very passionately about because it's personal.
Anxiety and depression run on both sides of my family. I've always had a pretty good idea of what depression is, and luckily, I've never really had a problem with it. I feel like the symptoms are more obvious to the person suffering from it, and the people around them. It is serious, and it breaks my heart to think about people who have been suffering from it their whole lives and feel helpless. But it seems like there are a lot of resources out there for depression, whether it's counseling, therapy, medication etc etc.
But...what about anxiety? I feel like it's just another word that gets grouped with depression. It's so different though! It was just another word to me until about a year and a half ago, when I realized that I had it. And that I had had it since I was a little girl. I had a secure childhood, but for some reason I was afraid of everything. Now I looked at my whole life differently. I had made so many decisions based on fear.
Ever since I have discovered this, I've made a goal to work on it. Sometimes, I get so frustrated and feel like I've made no progress. Bear points out to me when I'm having an anxiety attack and I try to calm down. I try to overcome my silly little fears a little at time, like talking to people on the phone that I don't know. It's been a little easier since I've gotten pregnant, because I remind myself that my stress and negative feelings affect my baby too.
And since this discovery, I've met a lot of people who have nicety too, whether they know it themselves or not. A lot of these friends are members of my church. I had a good discussion with Bear and one of our good friends recently. He is about to make a huge life decision, and he shared the complicated story and all of his anxieties about it. Luckily, when I made the decision to marry Bear, I felt peaceful about it, felt peaceful about it the whole time we were engaged, and I've never looked back. But, I totally understood where he was coming from. On the other hand, when I stood back and looked at it from a third person point of view, it was so obvious. It's his anxieties that were holding him back. And Heavenly Father doesn't speak to us through anxieties and fears. So guess who does? I've heard over and over that faith is the opposite of fear. But sometimes it's hard to realize that what we're feeling is anxiety, not revelation. The Holy Ghost can't talk to us when we're consumed with anxiety. And like I said in my last post, that's the most important thing. The Lord wants to help us, and if we could just look past our anxieties, we could see that. Easier said than done, though.
I wish we talked about this more at church. I tried to find what the Bretheren have said about it, but I haven't found much. I really want to read this book, Meet Your Happy Chemicals: Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, Serotonin by Loretta Graziano Breuning. I'd really like some feedback. What has helped you, what articles or books have you read?
Anxiety and depression run on both sides of my family. I've always had a pretty good idea of what depression is, and luckily, I've never really had a problem with it. I feel like the symptoms are more obvious to the person suffering from it, and the people around them. It is serious, and it breaks my heart to think about people who have been suffering from it their whole lives and feel helpless. But it seems like there are a lot of resources out there for depression, whether it's counseling, therapy, medication etc etc.
But...what about anxiety? I feel like it's just another word that gets grouped with depression. It's so different though! It was just another word to me until about a year and a half ago, when I realized that I had it. And that I had had it since I was a little girl. I had a secure childhood, but for some reason I was afraid of everything. Now I looked at my whole life differently. I had made so many decisions based on fear.
Ever since I have discovered this, I've made a goal to work on it. Sometimes, I get so frustrated and feel like I've made no progress. Bear points out to me when I'm having an anxiety attack and I try to calm down. I try to overcome my silly little fears a little at time, like talking to people on the phone that I don't know. It's been a little easier since I've gotten pregnant, because I remind myself that my stress and negative feelings affect my baby too.
And since this discovery, I've met a lot of people who have nicety too, whether they know it themselves or not. A lot of these friends are members of my church. I had a good discussion with Bear and one of our good friends recently. He is about to make a huge life decision, and he shared the complicated story and all of his anxieties about it. Luckily, when I made the decision to marry Bear, I felt peaceful about it, felt peaceful about it the whole time we were engaged, and I've never looked back. But, I totally understood where he was coming from. On the other hand, when I stood back and looked at it from a third person point of view, it was so obvious. It's his anxieties that were holding him back. And Heavenly Father doesn't speak to us through anxieties and fears. So guess who does? I've heard over and over that faith is the opposite of fear. But sometimes it's hard to realize that what we're feeling is anxiety, not revelation. The Holy Ghost can't talk to us when we're consumed with anxiety. And like I said in my last post, that's the most important thing. The Lord wants to help us, and if we could just look past our anxieties, we could see that. Easier said than done, though.
I wish we talked about this more at church. I tried to find what the Bretheren have said about it, but I haven't found much. I really want to read this book, Meet Your Happy Chemicals: Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, Serotonin by Loretta Graziano Breuning. I'd really like some feedback. What has helped you, what articles or books have you read?
Friday, June 15, 2012
Let go of he hurt
I don't want to have a preach-y blog, but I want to share a principle that I learned recently. Maybe I'm just behind all of you guys, but this was a big "aha" moment for me, so I really want to remember it so that I can apply it to my life from now on. If you need to hear it too, I hope this post can help.
This story starts back in high school. I had a good guy friend. Well, since I've graduated, I've heard about the horribly mean things that he was doing to my sister her senior year of high school. I was away at SVU, and my defensive mode for my sister kicked in, but I felt so helpless because I was so far away. He said mean things about me too, (to my sister). I cried and cried when I found out, because it hurt. Why would such a good friend do this to me and my sister? I thought the days of high school drama were over. Because we had been such good friends, I was tempted to confront him, instead of quietly suffering. But then I decided it would just be contentious, especially because I couldn't talk to him in person. I tried to let it go.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she said she had stood up for me the other day. I was naturally curious. Apparently, at a recent Relief Society activity, the mom of this friend said to my mom, "my son is having a hard time imagining Lexi being a mom, because every thing grosses her out." It was said in front of a few people, and there was an awkward feeling in the air, and my mom replied with some good qualities that I have that she thinks will help me be a good mom. That wasn't the meanest thing someone could say, and of course it came through his mom, so who knows if that's really what he said at all. But with my pregnancy hormones and already having feelings of mommy inadequacy, I burst into tears when I hung up. My mom called me right back and said sorry that she had told me.
But this second encounter really made me reevaluate some things. Even though I was married, and he was about to go on a mission, it seemed like the nasty talk was never going to end. And even though I had been trying to forget the first bad encounter, I was still holding a grudge deep down and hadn't forgiven him the first time. Had I ever talked bad about someone, and it got back to them? Bear reminded me that "haters gonna hate" and I can't let what other people say get me down. Another friend said that the best "revenge" would be to live my life the best that I could and prove that I can be a good mom. Those helped a little, but I really was comforted and learned my lesson from these quotes:
The first was one that the cast of the Nauvoo Pageant learns together from Brigham Young.
"If you feel evil, keep it to yourselves until you overcome that evil principle. This is what I call resisting the devil, and he flees from me …. When you are influenced by the Spirit of holiness and purity, let your light shine; but if you are tried and tempted and buffeted by Satan, keep your thoughts to yourselves-keep your mouths closed; for speaking produces fruit, either of a good or evil character. You frequently hear brethren and sisters say that they feel so tried and tempted, and have so many cares, and are so buffeted, that they must give vent to their feelings; and they yield to the temptation, and deal out their unpleasant sensations to their families and neighbors. Make up your minds thoroughly, once for all, that if we have trials, the Lord has suffered them to be brought upon us, and he will give us grace to bear them. But if we have light or intelligence that will do good, we will impart it. … Let that be the determination of individual, for spirit begets spirit-likeness; feelings beget their likeness. If then we give vent to all our bad feelings and disagreeable sensations how quickly we beget the same in others, and load each other down with our troubles, and become sunk in darkness and despair! In all your social communications let all the dark, discontented, murmuring, unhappy, miserable feelings-all the evil fruit of the mind, fall from the tree in silence and unnoticed; and so let it perish, without taking it up to present to your neighbors. But when you have joy and happiness, light and intelligence, truth and virtue, offer that fruit abundantly to your neighbors, and it will do them good, and so strengthen the hands of your fellow beings." (Journal of Discourses, 5:351-352)
So by venting and whining about my sad story, I was bringing other people down with me. But that wasn't enough.
Next, I read President Uchtdorf's latest conference talk, "The Merciful Obtain Mercy". He said, "when we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment." "Christ...forgave the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurtand to do Him harm." And "love your enemies , bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite fully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44) "There is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment." "Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord's way."
But the icing cake was Elder Scott's talk "How to Obtaim Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life" from this past conference:
"..Yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight...haughtiness, pride, and conceit are like stony ground that will never produce spiritual fruit."
That's the most important. I'm driving the spirit away every time I get upset about what he did. This was probably something that I should've learned in high school. But I'm glad that I learned it now. I really, really, don't want to turn into a bitter old woman. I forgive him.
This story starts back in high school. I had a good guy friend. Well, since I've graduated, I've heard about the horribly mean things that he was doing to my sister her senior year of high school. I was away at SVU, and my defensive mode for my sister kicked in, but I felt so helpless because I was so far away. He said mean things about me too, (to my sister). I cried and cried when I found out, because it hurt. Why would such a good friend do this to me and my sister? I thought the days of high school drama were over. Because we had been such good friends, I was tempted to confront him, instead of quietly suffering. But then I decided it would just be contentious, especially because I couldn't talk to him in person. I tried to let it go.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she said she had stood up for me the other day. I was naturally curious. Apparently, at a recent Relief Society activity, the mom of this friend said to my mom, "my son is having a hard time imagining Lexi being a mom, because every thing grosses her out." It was said in front of a few people, and there was an awkward feeling in the air, and my mom replied with some good qualities that I have that she thinks will help me be a good mom. That wasn't the meanest thing someone could say, and of course it came through his mom, so who knows if that's really what he said at all. But with my pregnancy hormones and already having feelings of mommy inadequacy, I burst into tears when I hung up. My mom called me right back and said sorry that she had told me.
But this second encounter really made me reevaluate some things. Even though I was married, and he was about to go on a mission, it seemed like the nasty talk was never going to end. And even though I had been trying to forget the first bad encounter, I was still holding a grudge deep down and hadn't forgiven him the first time. Had I ever talked bad about someone, and it got back to them? Bear reminded me that "haters gonna hate" and I can't let what other people say get me down. Another friend said that the best "revenge" would be to live my life the best that I could and prove that I can be a good mom. Those helped a little, but I really was comforted and learned my lesson from these quotes:
The first was one that the cast of the Nauvoo Pageant learns together from Brigham Young.
"If you feel evil, keep it to yourselves until you overcome that evil principle. This is what I call resisting the devil, and he flees from me …. When you are influenced by the Spirit of holiness and purity, let your light shine; but if you are tried and tempted and buffeted by Satan, keep your thoughts to yourselves-keep your mouths closed; for speaking produces fruit, either of a good or evil character. You frequently hear brethren and sisters say that they feel so tried and tempted, and have so many cares, and are so buffeted, that they must give vent to their feelings; and they yield to the temptation, and deal out their unpleasant sensations to their families and neighbors. Make up your minds thoroughly, once for all, that if we have trials, the Lord has suffered them to be brought upon us, and he will give us grace to bear them. But if we have light or intelligence that will do good, we will impart it. … Let that be the determination of individual, for spirit begets spirit-likeness; feelings beget their likeness. If then we give vent to all our bad feelings and disagreeable sensations how quickly we beget the same in others, and load each other down with our troubles, and become sunk in darkness and despair! In all your social communications let all the dark, discontented, murmuring, unhappy, miserable feelings-all the evil fruit of the mind, fall from the tree in silence and unnoticed; and so let it perish, without taking it up to present to your neighbors. But when you have joy and happiness, light and intelligence, truth and virtue, offer that fruit abundantly to your neighbors, and it will do them good, and so strengthen the hands of your fellow beings." (Journal of Discourses, 5:351-352)
So by venting and whining about my sad story, I was bringing other people down with me. But that wasn't enough.
Next, I read President Uchtdorf's latest conference talk, "The Merciful Obtain Mercy". He said, "when we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment." "Christ...forgave the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurtand to do Him harm." And "love your enemies , bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite fully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44) "There is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment." "Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord's way."
But the icing cake was Elder Scott's talk "How to Obtaim Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life" from this past conference:
"..Yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight...haughtiness, pride, and conceit are like stony ground that will never produce spiritual fruit."
That's the most important. I'm driving the spirit away every time I get upset about what he did. This was probably something that I should've learned in high school. But I'm glad that I learned it now. I really, really, don't want to turn into a bitter old woman. I forgive him.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Anniversary
But this past year has gone by incredibly fast. I feel like we'll be 90 before we know it. We're in the same place that we were right after we got married last summer, but now I'm working too, and I'm pregnant. I think Bear and I have definitely grown up together a little more since last year, as proved by the flowers. Bear used to think that flowers were a waste of money because they just die. Haha Marriage is super great. I recommend it.
Right now I'm 16 weeks along and Baby Bear is very active today. We get to find out the gender soon!
I'm a little overwhelmed with my job right now, and sometimes it's frustrating that we're an hour away from LA and pretty close to some beaches and amusement/water parks but we work Mon-Sat til late at night. Boo. I can't go on rides or water slides right now anyways I guess. And earning our money in the summer will allow us to focus on our baby, schoolwork, and baseball without having to worry about both of us working on top of that during the rest of the year.
I do enjoy the local authentic Indian restaurant, Panera, the pool, reading, and working on making quilts out of my grandpa Limburg's clothes when I'm not working though. I can't wait to go maternity clothes shopping!
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